Definition

A “co-addict” is simply one who is (or has been) in a significant relationship with an addict – in this case, a sexual addict. “Co-addict” describes a type of relationship in the same way that “aunt and niece” describes a certain connection.

Understanding co-addiction, though, requires going deeper into considering the dynamics of the relationship. Just as the addict is addicted to sex or some intense relationship, the co-addict can be “addicted” to the addict. The co-addict can put the majority of her (or his) focus on the addict and be more attuned to the addict’s behavior and needs than to her own. In a different scenario, the co-addict may detach from the addict and withdraw into her (or his) own world of work, children, or other interests. The co-addict may be totally surprised to learn the addict has been acting out.

Regardless of which end of the spectrum they’re on (from enmeshment to detachment), co-addicts often get caught up in their own unhealthy behaviors when they discover the addict’s betrayal. They may play detective, rage, shut down, become more sexual, try to control or fix, threaten, abuse alcohol or other drugs, eat, shop, settle for the status quo, or do any number of things in an effort to cope. While understandable, these reactions don’t help the situation, and in fact, they often make it worse.

In simplest terms, before recovery those who are addicts struggle with the disease of addiction. Those who are co-addicts struggle with the disease of codependency, which often is equally debilitating.

Codependency

Codependency is an over used term, but it describes a set of beliefs and behaviors common to co-addicts. Codependents often lack a strong sense of self and lose themselves in other people. They define themselves by how others view them and are anxious to please, help, or not rock the boat.

Symptoms of codependency include managing, manipulating and mothering those around them. Codependents often avoid their feelings through focusing externally on children, work, church, activities, and other people. They often enable addictive or irresponsible behavior by caretaking, making excuses, or covering up. Sometimes they engage in their own problematic behaviors like excessive drinking, shopping, or raging.

Because they live in a crazy-making environment of addiction or family dysfunction, codependents often doubt their own reality. They easily succumb to the addict’s explanations, accusations and promises.

These dynamics and behaviors are largely unconscious and were developed as coping techniques in the co-addict’s family of origin. When the family struggles with addiction, secrets, deprivation, perfectionism, or other family dysfunction, the co-addict must learn ways to survive. This history of codependency, then, formed long before the codependent met the addict.

People who are codependent tend to gravitate toward others who are emotionally unavailable or needy. That kind of relationship dance feels unconsciously familiar. Since the codependent tries to rescue, fix, “help,” or otherwise enable a partner – or perhaps distances from a partner as a way to cope – without addressing his or her own feelings and needs, the codependent sets up a relationship that is chronically unfulfilling.

Codependents believe they are doing the right thing and acting in their partners’ best interests, which makes it hard for them to see their own unhealthy behaviors and attitudes. In reality, codependency, like addiction, is an intimacy disorder. In fact, it’s the flip side of the same coin.

Reasons for Co-Addicts to Seek Help

Like most addicts, co-addicts have usually experienced some form of abuse or abandonment. Many are adult children of an addicted parent. The reality is that a co-addict learned unhealthy ways of coping long before getting involved with the sex addict, and those patterns are being played out in the current relationship. Often, the sex addict is just the latest of a string of addicts in the co-addict’s life. As our colleague Eli Machen says, the co-addict’s “picker” is broken. She or he keeps picking addicts (again, unconsciously) in relationship after relationship.

This reality is why it’s important for a co-addict to get help personally whether the addict does or not. You’ve probably heard about the wife who prayed for years that her husband would stop drinking, and when he finally did, she was surprised to discover that his sobriety didn’t fix everything wrong in their marriage. She didn’t know how to relate to this now-sober alcoholic, and in fact, she didn’t necessarily like him any better – or herself.

Addiction is a family disease. And the issues don’t stop with the addict, even if that person chooses to get sober. The spouses and former spouses of alcoholics have proven the truth of that hard statement.

Common to co-addicts is the belief that everything will be fine if the addict will just stop doing the sinful behavior. Co-addicts focus on their anger and hurt, which is 100% justified. However, they view the addict as the only one with a problem, and as hard as it is to hear, that simply isn’t the case.

Even if you plan to divorce the sex addict or you’ve already done so, it’s vital that you look at your own co-addiction. Otherwise, you’re at high risk to pick another unhealthy individual and be back in the same painful situation.

If you plan to build a new relationship with the addict in your life, you’ll never have the genuine intimacy you desire and deserve without taking the hard step of looking at yourself.